مجھے شادی کیوں کرنی چاہیے؟ اور میں کیسے جانوں کہ میں صحیح شخص کا انتخاب کر رہا ہوں؟

آپ اسی شخص سے شادی کرتے ہیں جسے آج دیکھ رہے ہیں۔

Marriage shapes a person's whole life, worldly, financial and spiritual, and yet many people walk into it without ever deciding what they are looking for. On the birth anniversary of Lady Zaynab al-Kubra (a), host Sayed Ali Alhakeem sits down with Dr. Sayed Hadi Yassin, a psychologist and coach who has worked with couples and families for more than a decade, to talk about the part that comes before the wedding: choosing the right person.

Prevention is better than cure

Dr. Yassin starts from what he sees in his practice. Many of the couples who come to him in difficulty went wrong at the very beginning: they never went through a real process of understanding who they wanted to marry, and they rushed the decision. A righteous spouse, he says, can carry a person towards success and nearness to Allah; the wrong one can pull them away. That is why choosing a spouse needs education, not just good intentions.

Taqwa first

The first trait the Qur'an and the hadith point to is taqwa: not simply believing, but living with constant awareness of God. He describes it with the image of someone in a long robe walking through a rose garden, careful at every step not to catch on a thorn, and careful above all with the people closest to them, where we tend to drop our guard. Someone who does not value everything Allah has given them is unlikely to be thankful to a spouse.

He cites a narration in which a man asked Imam al-Husayn (a) whom he should marry his daughter to. The answer: someone pious, because if he loves her he will honour her, and if he does not, his fear of God will stop him from wronging her.

Why people rush

The wrong motivations come up again and again: everyone else is married; life at home has become unbearable and marriage looks like a way out; or parents hope that marriage will settle a son or daughter who is struggling, religiously or psychologically. That last idea, he says, is simply not correct. The common thread is skipping the process: a few conversations, a feeling of knowing someone, and then a rushed decision.

Parents: supporters, not dictators

"We don't own our children. We're the guardians of our children," Dr. Yassin says. Parents should educate, guide and support, not choose a spouse to their own taste for someone else to live with. At the same time he asks young people to listen: most parents mean well, and they often see what their children miss.

On culture, his rule is simple: "Our first culture is the culture of the Qur'an and the Ahl al-Bayt." Every culture has good things worth keeping, just as the Prophet (s) kept some of the good customs of his time, but they come second.

When a parent insists and the son or daughter is sure they are wrong, he advises against making it personal. Listen first, keep the conversation calm, and if there is still no way through, bring in a wise person the parents respect: a relative, an imam or a counsellor. The one line that cannot be crossed is a demand against the will of Allah, such as marrying someone who is clearly not righteous. Even then, he says, decline respectfully, and pray for a way out.

Character, family and similarity

After taqwa comes good character. He recalls a narration in which a man wrote to one of the Imams (a) about a suitor for his daughter whose character was poor, and was told plainly not to marry her to him. What if the man is willing to change? "You marry someone who you see today," Dr. Yassin answers. Everyone grows in marriage, but there is no guarantee, and personality changes slowly.

You also marry into a family. He cites the Prophet's (s) warning not to pick flowers that grow in gutters, which the Prophet explained as a person raised in an unrighteous environment. Family is a factor to weigh, not an automatic disqualification, especially for Muslims living in the West. Psychology adds what it calls homogamy: couples who are similar in faith, education, lifestyle and outlook tend to do better.

Write it down, and be realistic

His practical advice is to write down, literally on paper, what you are looking for in a spouse, and then test it, ideally with a professional. Some very righteous people he has met could not marry because they were looking for something no one could be. Attraction matters too, and there is a prophetic recommendation about it. The Islamic requirements are not negotiable; beyond those, weigh the pros and cons, because no one is perfect. And ask honestly whether you yourself have what you are asking for.

Three stages

1. Compatibility on paper. Two or three conversations about the deal-breakers: faith, character, family, whatever you cannot compromise on.
2. Deeper compatibility. The details that can be negotiated, such as where to live or how many children to have.
3. Behavioural verification. Once you are about eighty percent sure, check whether what you heard holds true in practice: is the person as patient, as devout and as good-tempered as they said?

This should not drag on for months, and it should not turn into a relationship. Its purpose is to reach a decision.

Meeting before marriage

The host presses for practical boundaries. Within Islamic rulings, and with the families aware, a couple may meet and talk to decide whether they are compatible; how closely the parents are present depends on the family and the culture. Flirting and compliments are another matter. "This is what you say to your wife," Dr. Yassin says. Before the marriage there is no such bond, and saying it changes nothing.

His strongest warning is about emotional attachment in the early stages. Love that comes too soon can leave a person blind and deaf to what they need to see, and couples who grow attached over months and then part suffer real heartbreak. That does not mean sitting there like a robot: warmth, kindness and a sense of humour are part of showing your character. The same applies to ordinary conversation with the opposite sex, at work or elsewhere: natural and appropriate is fine; anything that builds towards a connection is not.

Istikhara

Istikhara, he explains, comes after due diligence, not instead of it. If you have done the research, consulted others and are certain, there is no need for it; it is for when you have done everything and still cannot decide. If someone has already done istikhara and the answer was discouraging, his advice is to slow down, give it time and look again before deciding.

Learning from Lady Zaynab (a)

For a model of a successful marriage, Dr. Yassin points to the household of Imam Ali (a) and Lady Fatimah (a), and to what came from it: Imam al-Hasan, Imam al-Husayn, Lady Zaynab and Lady Umm Kulthum (a). When Lady Zaynab (a) married, he notes, she wished to stay with and follow her brother, Imam al-Husayn (a), not only as her brother but as the Imam of her time. In the midst of Karbala she said, "I saw nothing but beauty." That, he says, is the strength and the connection with Allah we should be looking for.

The episode closes with a poem by the host in her honour, picturing Lady Zaynab (a) as a mountain of patience that no storm can bend, holding out a branch of her patience, strength and courage to each of us.